WARNING: This article could trigger you, could push up against some of your beliefs and perspectives. Remember though what ever buttons that maybe pushed here are your buttons. Whatever labels or judgements you may want to place on this man or myself then I suggest you look within to find out why you are being judgemental. Its in my belief that if you find yourself judging others then you are also judging yourself and have not come to own and accept that part of you that you are judging.
Recently I was seeing a man. I considering him to be a nice man and I enjoyed his company. Anyway the relationship had some challenges and my buttons were pushed too, let me assure you of that. There are many aspects to this relationship and many learnings a not just the one I am sharing with you today. The one I am about to share was the biggest lesson for me. I want to share my process with you, what and how I overcome this big issue, in hope it may help you or others too.
The situation was this, we are going along fine in the relationship, then one day I found he was going onto online dating websites where he was chatting with other women on there and also texting and phoning them as well. This certainly triggered my self worth, my insecurities and how dare he treat me like that, yeah?? Well I ended the relationship, goodbye I said. Despite him wanted to work things out. And he said he was going to make changes and not go on the internet or these sites again, in which he did make changes and stopped using the internet.
Over the next week and a half my anger settled and I wanted to look at things from his point of view, why was he doing that?, What were his needs, could I help him get those needs met. Lets look at what was actually happening, lets look at the facts here. Ok… he was with me, most of his time when not at work he was actually with me, he said ‘If he wanted to be somewhere else or with some one else he wouldn’t be here (with me)” he was texting and phoning other girls. He wasn’t seeing any of them. I knew the content of the texts and I wasn’t texting him like that, so is that what he was wanting from me and wasn’t getting from me. I don’t know. Possibly.
Curious, I wanted to talk about this, so contact was made and yes I was correct and we talked about how he couldn’t feel he could ask me and express his needs with me. Ok. Lets give it another go, so we did. Although I was helping him gets those needs met, things weren’t going so well, I was very suspicious, very untrusting and it was horrible feeling like this, every text he received, the poor guy was made to feel wrong for receiving a text. I was questioning him. I found myself not being able to trust him or anything he said. Not a place I liked to be for myself and it wasn’t very comfortable for him either. I had to stop, I didn’t like living like this day and night feeling suspicious, insecure and not being able to trust my man. I also realised all my blame etc. was outside of myself, I was still holding him responsible for how I felt and what feelings in me were triggered. I had to ask myself what I needed to do here, what I had to look at within myself. My answer was to let go, let go of all insecurity, all jealousy, and all trust issues, just drop them. Going on the knowledge that men do whatever they want, he is free to do whatever he wants, that we were both single meaning not married, that if he wanted to be somewhere else he would be. He cares about me and didn’t want to hurt me. So I radically changed my perceptions, I became ok with him doing whatever he wanted, I let go of any form of control of him, let go of questioning him, I let go suspicion and mistrust and decided to trust what he said, trust that he was here because he wanted to be here and he liked me. I decided to be present with him and be totally in the moment with him, I decided to give him the freedom to be himself. I decided to open up to him and be more feminine in his presence. It was a huge shift. I also let go of any attachment to outcome and the worry of if I had to end the relationship. I decided to let it all go, go with the flow and know that when the lesson is learnt, it will be over, the relationship will either end naturally or we will continue on without this being a issue ever again and that once learned the lesson, I will never have to go through this again. I also decided that I intended to feel my feelings of jealousy or insecurity and love my feelings and still be ok with feeling them, if they came up. I decided to feel confident and to show more love towards myself. Things changed. You know what, I was no longer triggered when he received text or when I saw him text. I found myself feeling confident, feeling worthy and downright feeling pretty damn good.
Anyway not long after I changed my perceptions the relationship ended, he was gone, friendly terms, all was good. There was still contact here and there and we saw each other one more time and I still felt wonderful, showing up feminine, loving and accepting, and not being triggered at all by the past or what he may or may not be doing in regards to other women.
On the flip side, he also was very insecure and jealous and was constantly asking me questions of my intentions and relationships with other men. I found I was always justifying and explaining myself and felt like he didn’t believe me. How’s that for a mirror? Showing me what it felt like to be on the receiving end of that behaviour. It didn’t feel good. I was again getting triggered by having to constantly justify to him. Funny, the last contact we had, a while ago now, he was triggered by me going to the movies, asked questions who I was going with, came across angry and thinking I was seeing another guy and going on a date. You know, it didn’t even bother me, I was not triggered at all, I actual smiled and thought it endearing as I know when a guy gets angry its because he cares, so I didn’t feel I had to justify myself and shared with him I was going with my son in a calm manner. I haven’t heard from him since. I wonder if it’s because all the lessons have been learnt, the reason we were in each others lives has been fulfilled. I wonder, and I’m ok with it all. I am not pinning over him, I am not feeling unloved or unworthy in any way. I feel at peace with the whole experience and a whole lot more self confident and self worthy and loving.
l hold no ill feeling towards this man, I hold no labels or judgements on him or myself what so ever. I know that he, like all of us is doing the best he knows how, the best that he can and he has his journey and path just like all of us. I am curious as how he is doing and wonder about his well-being but am blessed by the gifts he gave me. What a wonderful gift, getting me drop all that baggage I was carrying for so many years. Thank you 🙂
19 July 2014