July 17, 2014

Nowadays with women having to enter the workforce as well as men to earn enough money for the family to have a reasonable lifestyle, it can be challenging to show up feminine. Especially single mothers who are the provider and the carer and all the roles in between.

We want a masculine energy guy, a high value guy, so how do we attract that when we are also in our masculine energy?

We know that masculine men are threatened and turned off by a female that is strong and independent, why is this? Its because he has nowhere to go, he can’t fully show up and be the guy for you, what has he got to offer? Nothing, as you seem to be doing fine without him, he has nowhere to go but to go elsewhere. Now it’s ok to be independent and self reliant and be able to support yourself but in the presence of a masculine man you have to soften and be a women, to switch hats and be in your feminine energy and allow him to show up in whatever capacity he can, allow him to do the doing and then be thankful to him for this.

Men want to please their woman, they want to love, nurture and take care of her. They are also the leaders of the relationship and the decision makers and the ones that take charge and get things done. They are the thinkers, problem solvers and the fixers.

So if you too are in your head (masculine energy) and doing all this stuff, what has he got to do, how can he show up and be a guy for you, he can’t. It’ll be like two guys together and that’s not what either of you are looking for.

Women bring to relationship the feelings. They are open and receptive, loving and caring. They surrender to the man’s lead and allow him to please, nurture and give to her. She allows him to do the thinking, the problem solving, the fixing and getting things done. I’m not saying you can’t have opinions, offer suggestions or work together, but generally know that it is the guy that makes the decision.

Also know that a man wants to please you, he will do anything he can to do that, he will base his decisions on and around you the best that he can. He will always consider you in his planning and decisions.

So how do we soften, what is it to be feminine?

To be feminine is to be in touch with our feelings, to be present and be able to express how we are feeling genuinely in any given moment. Its being confident and in touch with our essence, to love our femininity, to know and love who we are, to know what we love, what pleases us, what brings us joy. We need to be comfortable in our own skin, to love and adore ourselves, all of our being, whatever shape or size we are, love and accept ourselves just as we are.

Its a journey of self love. Spend the time getting to know YOU, take yourself out on dates, give to yourself everyday in some big or small way that brings you joy, that makes you feel special and loved. Some of things I do are taking care of my health, yoga, meditation, making and eating healthy foods, use a good skin care routine, take a bath, give myself a full body massage most days, take myself out for coffee or the movies or a walk along the river, I read for pleasure, listen to music, attend dance classes, and be creative. Surround yourself with things that bring you joy and pleasure, if you like fresh flowers, then buy some. I schedule the time to give to myself. It does wonders to my self esteem and it is an act of self love. Allow yourself to give to you and also allow yourself to receive from you as well, you could even go as far as thanking yourself for these gifts.

You also need to get comfortable with your feelings and allow yourself to feel, really feel, whatever it is you are feeling, even the icky ones. Learn to feel your anger, no need to do anything with your anger but feel it, feel your shoulders tense, your jaw tense, you eyes squint, your breathing become short and fast, feel it then acknowledge it, accept it, forgive it and love it, yes, love it. So often we are afraid to feel our feelings, we are afraid to feel our sadness, our pain, our fear, we try to avoid feeling them, we get busy, we stuff them down with food or other substances, we do anything not feel them. Well the only way to heal them is as like in ‘Going on a bear hunt’ says, you can’t go over it, you can’t go under it, you have to go through it. The way through it is to feel it. Sit with the loneliness or whatever it is you are feeling, sit and feel it, accept it, love it and it shall pass, it’s been heard, it’s been acknowledged and it goes away. So don’t be afraid of your feelings but love them, love all of them, they are part of you and deserve to be loved just like every other part of you.

There are ways to drop into your heart in the presence of a man, you can let go of your thoughts, drop then down to the ground, and then relax, melt into you, open your heart and allow him to see the real you, smile, be happy with who you are at your core. You could touch yourself on the leg or arm, maybe your face to feel love, to connect with yourself and your feelings, you could place your hands on your heart which will also help connect you with you. Try imagining a warm blanket of love wrapped around you, loving you, supporting you, you feel warm, you feel safe here. All these things can help bring you into you, into your heart, into a feeling space. Look at something that brings you joy, look at nature, a flower, a bird, a tree for example. Thinking of or remembering things that bring you pleasure can bring you into your heart and out of your head.

You can practice any time day or night to melt into yourself, or to check in with yourself to see how you are feeling, you can practice with any guy, be it your father, friend, the postman, who ever is around to express your feelings, to drop your thoughts away, let go of the mind and open the heart and being present. The more you do it, the more confident you will become.

Your posture is also important, standing tall and confidently is attractive, stand and walk like a woman, instead of a man. Men swing their arms a certain way, stand a certain way with hands on hips or in pockets and they walk a certain way, so do women. Look attractive, you can look attractive in anything you are wearing if you feel attractive, but taking some care in your appearance certainly helps feeling nice and feminine. Watch your speech and try not to use words men use or address men with mate, buddy etc. as this is the way they address their male friends. Smiling is wonderful as it shows you are happy and confident in who you are, and keeping eye contact shows you are women who can hold her own. You are someone who knows yourself and respects yourself and is strong within yourself. Its being strong on the inside while soft on the outside.

Be open and receptive to a guy, listen to him, really listen, not just be hearing words while thinking of how you are going to respond, but listen, being totally present with him. Be interested in what he has to say, reflect back to him what you thought you heard, say ‘wow, tell me more’. Allow him to be himself and accept him for who is, without judgement or criticism, just allowing and accepting.

In relationships men are the thinkers and women are the feelers. Men are the leaders and it’s them who take charge and lead the relationship, they know where they are going and will lead you to the destination. Now, if they decide to take a scenic route or go around in circles for a while then be ok with that, enjoy the ride, enjoy the journey with them. Lean back, relax and go with the flow. Let go of control or wanting to control the outcome or try to get things to happen faster or in certain ways, letting go of expectations and letting go of attachments to outcome, let go of trying to control him and telling him what to do, just let it all go and just relax and BE. Be happy with where you are and where the relationship is, be trusting he is taking charge, be allowing of him to take the lead, be confident in your ability to be yourself, be confident in his ability to do his part and allow him to show up in whatever capacity he can. Be genuine in how you feel, be honest with your feelings – he will sense if you’re not.

By being feminine and in touch with yourself and your feelings allows a man to then get in touch with his, it allows him to feel also and allows him to open up to you. It’s what we want right… we want a man to open up to us, to express his feelings, to share stuff with us, but the truth is, he can’t if we are not doing our part in holding that space of the relationship that allows that to happen. We need to hold the space of openness, the heart space. By being open to a guy and being able to express your inner self and you are genuine and authentic with how you feel he will trust you, he will feel safe with you and he will open up to you.

In whatever capacity your man shows up, thank him for that. It takes effort to text, to ring, to ask you out, to Do things for you, no matter how big or small. Thank him and recognise and appreciate his effort. This is a part of being feminine, is to allow him to Do the stuff in the relationship. Allowing him to pursue you, to initiate contact, to plan, to book the restaurant, to pick you up, to open the door for you, to pay, these are masculine things, it’s the doing. The feminine thing to do is to just Be and allow him to come to you and do for you however and whatever he can for you.

Robyn Lemsing