August 3, 2016
Well, here I am embarking on this journey of becoming a writer, I feel nervous, anxious and as if I have nothing to share. I have no idea of how to do this, no idea what to write even. I am not good at English, grammar or spelling. I am sure there are so many other people out there that know more about everything than I do. I am just one single person that has lived their life with a lot of pain and struggle and if I knew better I would be doing things differently. I have nothing to show for myself and the 48 years I have been on this earth. I am not successful in any way and really only have life experience to draw from.
I was born in Sydney and grew up in the country, central NSW. I was the youngest of three children. In my early 20’s I moved back to Sydney for job opportunities. I have had many interests over the years but can not say that I have successfully accomplished anything or followed through on things either. So whether I follow through with writing thing remains to be seen. Since I was 13 I have always seemed to be in a relationship with a guy in some form or other, never really having a few years just being myself and getting to know who I am. Falling into people pleasing as this seemed the only way to live. To gain some sort of short lived peace from time to time. At least it seemed to stop the fights and drama to some degree. I can remember always wanting to be by myself and wanting to have that experience of living on my own and doing my own thing, to this day I still have not had this experience.
What fascinates me is human behaviour and how every person you are in contact with and every conversation is an opportunity to become conscious and fully present. I find it interesting how others reflect back to us what is in ourselves, whether it is our shadow or our light, whether we are conscious of it (light) or not (shadow).
I have found over the past 5 to 6 years that the more I judge another and their behaviour the more I needed to look within myself and own that part of me too. It was being shown to me so I can accept that within myself and forgive myself and love myself more completely.
I have been on a personal growth journey for most of my adult life. I think it all started when I joined Amway, a multi-level marketing company and personal development was part of the program. I really enjoyed reading the books and listening to tapes, from there my quest to obtain more insight was born. Since then I have continued to read personal growth books and was wanting to improve myself, become a better person, to improve my self esteem and my life. I have read many books over the past two decades and still do. Hardly ever do I now read a novel that I once had enjoyed doing previously.
Over the last 20 years or so I have made some improvements and had grown as a person but still feel to this day that it is work that is never really fully complete. There is always room for improvement, for more self love, for love and acceptance of others, more compassion and more inner peace.
I once heard a statement and I would have to agree with, it went something like this “as within so without”. To me this is a powerful statement and it means that what is within us (our thoughts and beliefs), then this is reflected back to us in our lives through our experiences and by the people close to us or the ones we encounter along the way.
If we think joyous and positive thoughts, then this is also reflected back to us with happy experiences and people. If we are thinking negatively and are focused on lack or drama then this will also be reflected back to us. It ties in with the law of attraction as well. But this saying goes a little deeper for me.
About nine years ago now, I finally got the courage to leave an unhealthy relationship for the last time. I had left a few times but had gone back, but this time there was no turning back. With two young children and only the clothes on our backs, whatever fuel was in the car, no money in the bank as well as having nowhere to go or stay, I drove away, never to return, only with police escort to collect some personal belongings. It was scary, I had no idea how things would work out, had no clue as what to do or where to go, no family nearby as they all live interstate and I couldn’t leave the state because if I did this was classed as kid-napping the children. A mutual friend put me and the kids up for a couple of nights before I found accommodation at a crisis centre and from there I have not looked back.
The past nine years have not been the easiest years of my life, they have been my most challenging and most rewarding years. I have learnt so much about myself in the past nine years that I would not have learnt if I did not go through that my experience.